I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
