I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
