I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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