Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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