you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
