there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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