so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Never joke about your clitoris.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
