I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
