Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
