Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
