he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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