I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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