I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
