I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
