Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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