First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Sober January is a disaster.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
