Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize