i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
