im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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