I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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