we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
