im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize