The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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