I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
