Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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