I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize