life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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