this just has baby written all over it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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