I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize