I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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