96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
two words: eviction party
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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