Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
