Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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