the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
