I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
