Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
