My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
