Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
