11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
look no pants
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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