the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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