My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
