i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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