I accidentally had phone sex last night
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
