WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
