Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
