My friends, they love my intelligence
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
