I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
