I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
