I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
