I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
