My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize