I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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