Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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