Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize