Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
