areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
